ADHD After Dark
ADHD After Dark is the unfiltered podcast where a group of hilarious dudes with ADHD gather to talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. Brace yourself for an explicit and comedic rollercoaster ride, as we dive into the depths of randomness, pushing the boundaries of humor and edginess.
In each episode, we unleash our unapologetic, off-the-cuff banter, sharing outrageous stories, wild adventures, and side-splitting anecdotes that will keep you laughing throughout the night. No topic is off-limits for us—whether it's outrageous personal experiences, taboo subjects, or exploring the more intimate and risqué aspects of life, we bring a refreshingly audacious and humorous perspective to it all.
ADHD After Dark is your escape from the mundane and predictable. Join our crew as we navigate the uncharted territories of comedic chaos, reveling in the freedom to explore the untamed corners of our minds. We embrace the spirit of After Dark, where the content can get explicit, sexual, and edgy—pushing boundaries and challenging social norms with a healthy dose of laughter.
While we may not always offer informative insights, we guarantee an uproarious time filled with absurdity, spontaneous conversations, and unabashed humor. It's a podcast that's not afraid to go where others won't, creating an inclusive space for individuals who enjoy unfiltered comedic escapades.
So, grab a drink, kick back, and immerse yourself in the unapologetically hilarious world of ADHD After Dark. Warning: explicit content ahead—tune in at your own risk, but be prepared to laugh your way through our zany adventures, spontaneous tangents, and unabashedly funny discussions that defy convention. Welcome to the wild, comedic chaos of ADHD After Dark.
ADHD After Dark
S3 E19: CRABS!!!!!!!!!
Ever wondered how a simple car ride or a shower can turn into a hilarious adventure? Join us as we recount our latest escapades, starting with the DMCA's unexpected impact on streaming and segueing into some laugh-out-loud moments involving awkward body positions. We'll also share a story that's both cringe-worthy and comical about measuring our manhood with paramicrometers. And just when you think it can't get any more bizarre, we'll tell you about our surprising encounter with furries at a local flea market.
Our recent D&D session was nothing short of chaotic brilliance. Picture this: a character's unexpected pregnancy results in a party wipe, thanks to disastrously low dice rolls and a horde of newborn slimes. Add to that some dragon seduction, dragon reproduction, and the hilariously awkward situations that arise in our fantasy campaigns. We reflect on the secrets our characters keep, the wild decisions they make, and how unpredictable these epic adventures can be.
Finally, grab some popcorn for our breakdown of the absurd plot of a low-budget movie about mutant horseshoe crabs. From a dream involving ball bearings and a swan-worshiping cult to a climactic battle between a giant shark mech and a colossal crab, this movie review is nothing short of a rollercoaster. We also sprinkle in some of our personal stories, like near-arrest experiences and a kayaking trip that took a turn for the worse. This episode is packed with laughs, bizarre anecdotes, and the kind of madness only the ADHD After Dark Podcast can deliver!
Twitter - https://twitter.com/DarkAfterAdhd
All right, welcome to the ADHD After Dark Podcast.
Speaker 2:Well, I hear a news today. It seems my life is going to drop. I close my eyes, begin to pray.
Speaker 1:It seems I'm trapped in my own world.
Speaker 2:It seems I'm trapped in my own world. I'm trapped in my own world.
Speaker 1:I'm trapped in my own world. I can't wait to see what the AI thinks. You just said I can't wait to see what the ai thinks you just said you gotta avoid the nc.
Speaker 3:Uh, whatever it's called strike, I forget what it's called oh, the video game voice actor strikes no, uh, it's where, like you play music on your channel, you get that dmca. That's it.
Speaker 1:Oh, let me tell you this much, you are not gonna get a dmca violation for that exactly exactly that was my goal there.
Speaker 3:Oh man, I have no idea what you guys were saying, but apparently you just gotta get the vibe and just do all your vowels harder than your consonants and you got it. I think it was just because you know I pulled a murky. I made myself a stiff drink before this. I made myself a black russian oh, there you go.
Speaker 1:I had to. I made you drink on on monday you hated me and then you had to write an apology letter. I'm sorry, I'm such a piece of shit.
Speaker 3:And our dear listeners, if you're curious about that, you can actually probably still check out the VOD on twitchtv for slash game boat TV, or you can just wait until it's out on YouTube, where there's some funny edits around it, cause we like split it into three different videos All right guys, I finally got a device that we can use to measure our dick sizes.
Speaker 4:Oh, finally, oh, paramicrometers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's about how big mine is 11.7 millimeters.
Speaker 3:That's about the size of that one dude. Your fiance was telling us about that.
Speaker 4:She almost had a thing with oh no, yeah, that guy, that was pretty terrifying so I found out that if I bend down, like, like, if I was trying to stretch and I grab my cast, then my dick, I get what you're saying.
Speaker 2:I'm like it sucks into you and you're like it's so uncomfortable, yeah for me it's like I'm in a long car ride.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you're saying when, like it sucks into you and you're like it's so uncomfortable. Yeah, for me it's like I'm in a long car ride.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're in a car ride, and you're, you're in a car ride and you're at that weird angle where like you're, you're, you're like this, but like it's sucking in and it gets to that like critical mass where the head just kind of you guys your problem is you're taller than myself yeah, so we have a lot of posture is more, we have a lot of. You're taller than myself.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so we have a lot of your posture is more, you're more sucked in, as, where I have a lot of room in my vehicle, I'm kind of more lean back.
Speaker 1:Bro, I drive a fucking Tahoe. Let's not talk about vehicle size right now. I'm too tall for my fucking Tahoe dude.
Speaker 3:I used to be in a Captiva which you know, so got a bit.
Speaker 1:If I sit straight up in my Tahoe, I have such a huge, like long upper body torso that like my fucking head hits the ceiling and I'm like, I'm like disproportionately long, I'm like my head's hitting the ceiling and if I didn't have the ability to like move my chair, my legs would be like fucking dangling off the edge like this. Like we, I can't touch the floor, but my head can hit the ceiling. I don't know how you fix that problem, oh, but yeah. So like you see what what I mean? It's like there's like a little point like once it passes. Once it passes that point, it's like one of them fucking wrist straps that just curls up, I was in the shower and I was like you bent over to get the soap, and then it went.
Speaker 4:No, I was washing my legs. Yeah, that's what it was. Oh, my Scrubbing down like scrubbing down by my calves and my ankles, and I was down. I was like okay.
Speaker 1:And then you felt it yeah, yeah, imagine that, but you don't have control over it. It just kind of happens. It's super uncomfortable.
Speaker 4:The shower was, you know, wasn't the warmest of time well, yeah, like now.
Speaker 1:Now to make it uncomfortable, like once it sucks in now, keep it there for like 30 minutes without trying to like make it obvious that you're trying to like get it out. You know I came up with the whole strategy of just get a boner to reverse it.
Speaker 3:Have you ever done that E Several times.
Speaker 1:You're like man, I'm sitting here and I'm just grabbing my dick and I can't get it to fucking come out. So then you make the less awkward decision, to be like I'm just going to think about tits and try to get a boner. And then it just goes and you're like okay, cool.
Speaker 2:Now it's fixed and I'm not grabbing my dick anymore. But then you have the other problem of now. How do I get this now? How do I?
Speaker 3:get this huge boner to go away I mean, at that point you just start thinking of like kittens or puppies or something, something innocent all I picture is that doesn't work for me down the highway once it's up it's not that it's like once it's up, it's like there's a fucking lever that like won't let the, won't let it go down.
Speaker 1:It's fucking, you're furry, yeah, okay.
Speaker 4:I did see a. There's like a flea market ish kind of thing set up, uh in like the downtown of my town the other day and we were going to breakfast and there was a shitload of furries at this, like flea market, farm market kind of thing, and I'm just like was it all right?
Speaker 1:was it like last weekend?
Speaker 4:Yeah, this past weekend.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 4:How many of them do you think were going to the con that me and E went to? Who knows?
Speaker 3:Probably a fair amount of them. Let's be honest, that's a really tiny con.
Speaker 1:It was a very small con. The thing I hated the most about it. E was literally like half of the artists. They were like, hey, I 3d printed stuff off the internet, now I'm selling it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like, okay, cool, but now I own a 3d printer, so now I don't need to buy any of that it was just one of those that I thought it would just be kind of an e thing and I saw some of the programs they're supposed to be doing and then, once we actually got there, it wasn't like anything they were promising oh, you're the best storyteller out of the bunch we can.
Speaker 1:You, I'm bad at telling stories, but you remember the one story from the dnd session with the? Uh, the slimes, oh yes you wanted to enlighten murky on what happened in this guy's dnd campaign I'm gonna try to remember to the best of my ability. Coco might have to fill in some gaps yeah, I can fill in some gaps, but it was.
Speaker 3:It was ever the funniest thing that I ever heard in my entire life like okay, so uh, coco gas shannon, myself went to what was supposed to be a dm roundtable discussion. Yeah, you go in. Uh, originally it was we were looking to learn about dming better, like.
Speaker 1:that's what we thought it was. We were looking to learn about DMing better, like that's what we thought it was going to be.
Speaker 2:That's not what it was supposed to be about.
Speaker 3:Dude never fucking showed up. The dude never showed up. So thankfully, there was somebody who worked with the con before who was there and he was like hey, I host a similar thing. However, we're going to retool it to something that I'm a little more familiar with, so it just kind of turned into weird stories that happened during your campaigns.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they were weird. Yeah, uh, and this one guy went up and he was talking about something that happened to another player during his campaign that directly affected him and the rest of the party. Yeah, and the other one of those the other character.
Speaker 1:The character was a succubus and they were trying to if I remember correctly, they were trying to um seduce like the merchant or something like that right.
Speaker 3:Yes, they were trying to get more items, but didn't get the item and ended up pregnant instead yeah, so he might suck. This is being played by a man yeah, so they rolled.
Speaker 1:they rolled bad twice and they're like well, you, you persuaded him so badly that now you're pregnant and you still didn't get the extra item. So get fucked, so get fucked. Yeah, so get fucked. But E, what happened was, was that like the next session or like the same session where they were like, well, fucking, whatever his name was is pregnant. So fucking, let's just skip ahead nine months and figure out what to do from that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was one of those that they tried working with the succubus being pregnant. Then they felt kind of awkward, so they're like let's do a little bit of a time skip and let's skip to the.
Speaker 1:Let's skip to the birth. And then they had him roll. What a d100. To see what came out what the outcome was going to be roll a d100 to see what came out. He rolled a fucking one or some shit like that.
Speaker 3:A nat 1 and he was two slime cubes.
Speaker 1:I forget what they're called popped out of the succubus's vagina and then proceeded to party kill the entire party. So the dude got pregnant, gave birth to slimes that then slaughtered the party so they had to start a whole new campaign with a whole bunch of new also that happened on session 3 yeah they were like they just got to the end where they all beat they almost made it to the tutorial boss and he just watched this fucking lady give birth to slimes and kill the fucking kill their team.
Speaker 4:I'm going to roll to see what level the slimes are. Fuck you guys are.
Speaker 3:You guys are.
Speaker 4:Everybody have their extra characters.
Speaker 1:How about a? Does anybody have that extra campaign? I didn't spend too much time on this one, so we can just go to another one you know, uh, you guys fucking shit the bed on this. So we're just gonna nuke this world, start over I feel like I feel like on session three, if that happens, I feel like the dm at some point has to be like it was all a dream. Surprise, it didn't actually happen.
Speaker 4:Because so help me, god. If you do this again, I will fucking kill all of you for every campaign, forever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah dude, he told that story and I fucking died dude.
Speaker 3:It was the funniest story that was said. Yeah, I was half tempted to talk about the first time I ever DM story, but I was like I don't think, so I don't think it's funny.
Speaker 1:I was almost hoping to talk about the dick in my ass comment, but like that one wasn't, that one wouldn't have been funny, like with how I tell stories and you had to be there kind of moment stories, um, and you had to be there kind of moment. It was definitely a you had to be in the room especially because somebody just told a story about getting pregnant, giving birth to slimes and tpk-ing the party. So I was like, well I, I don't think dick in my ass can really compete with that feel like somebody kind of won this was the second story, you knew you, you were out man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was like yeah, okay, so that's probably not a good one.
Speaker 4:I had someone fuck a dragon and have 19 dragon babies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, tempt the DM with seducing the dragon and see what happens.
Speaker 4:You got to roll for top or bottom.
Speaker 1:You seduced the dragon. You think you were going to leave. You're staying. You're married now. You ain't Leaving this room.
Speaker 4:Hey, just so you know, the DC is really high for top.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean you're going to be a boss.
Speaker 1:You're going to be whatever the dragon says you are, do you think?
Speaker 3:dragons within the D and D universe and I'm sure it's explained somewhere. Do you think they have cloacas or do you think they have reproductive organs?
Speaker 4:Yeah, probably a cloaca okay if they're wide enough to fly. It would be like avian, like in some form bird lizard don't dragons lay eggs yeah, they, they do, I believe.
Speaker 1:As far as I'm aware, they don't give like birth so you know there's no reason to have all the other stuff. Probably probably not good for the, for the uh, the spermies getting really warm from the fire from the fire well, what if it's like an ice dragon or something?
Speaker 3:well then, you have the other problem.
Speaker 1:if it's like a flower dragon, I'm going to fucking show you my flower.
Speaker 3:I know Matt tried explaining dragons to us once and there's something to do with like colors or metals or something.
Speaker 1:Well, let me put it this way If I see a dragon, I'm either running or trying to fuck it One of the two things that's happening. Since I'm a cat, probably running.
Speaker 3:Probably yeah, I mean, you're a rogue too.
Speaker 1:You receive your charisma. Uh, you're not great. I haven't opened my character sheet since the last time we played. I have no idea. I'm not charismatic.
Speaker 3:I thought he was charismatic, well being a bard he's.
Speaker 1:Luckily I'm deceptive and nobody caught on that. I killed the dude's child until I fucking revealed it to Murky, oh man. You made me swear not to tell anybody, so I think it was funny that I think almost everybody forgot about that. Like player-wise, I mean, I kind of shadowed up myself. I mean, yeah, you got some own secrets, but you haven't killed anybody yet by accident.
Speaker 4:Just wait till one day yeah, my fucking, my guy got to tackle a wolf and fucking give him a quick headbutt well, I mean player knowledge everybody, I couldn't do fucking shit everybody at the table absolutely knew I killed that kid because that happened during one of our sessions.
Speaker 1:Murky hasn't had anything that has, you know, happened yet no, we got through my dream without casualty.
Speaker 3:Murky's just Jotaro Kujo over here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was funny. I was tracking everything because I didn't know. It was a fucking dream, so I was tracking all the ball bearings we were used. And then Matman's like and then you wake up from your dream and I was like does that mean I get all my ball bearings back? Yes, yes, that means you get all your ball bearings back, cause you never use them.
Speaker 4:All right, can we cast hide in this one? I throw it. I was a shitty throw. Yeah, we were like we were terrible. We were like like.
Speaker 1:Our goal was like could we throw it like here? And then somebody rolled a one and it went and fell right at their feet like they dropped it, so he would throw it and then. And then the next person rolled a 20 and matty was like yeah, you threw it way too far that mother rocket launcher.
Speaker 4:This ballberry kills four birds on its way across this that that motherfucker was skipping across the lake.
Speaker 1:It took a fish with it. It went into the water.
Speaker 3:That's a conscious lady of the water.
Speaker 1:It went into the water, came back up and then there was A family of swans. It turned into a hook and had a trail of fish behind it. When it landed on shore Fed a small family on the other side of the lake, and now they forever worship the light ball.
Speaker 4:How long does I forget what we cast? How long does it last?
Speaker 1:Long enough for a family to see it and worship that shit forever. It's like fucking 10 minutes.
Speaker 4:They just have a single ball bearing waiting for it to light up again.
Speaker 1:Yeah they're like bring us fish. Oh, ball of water.
Speaker 3:Basically we just created a cult within Murky's dream.
Speaker 1:That checks out. Lubang's gonna have some fucked up dreams In a different dimension.
Speaker 4:There's a fishing family that worships a single ball bearing that once lit up supposedly, or so they claim, Supposedly.
Speaker 1:Supposedly Alright. Now I'm out of stuff to talk about. We're 17 minutes in Where's Zeno, so I watched a movie recently on Another shitty movie.
Speaker 3:All right, now I'm out of stuff to talk about. We're 17 minutes in. Where's xeno? So I watched a movie recently on another shitty movie.
Speaker 1:It's extremely shitty, nice good tell me about this shitty movie so this movie is called Crabs. Okay, what's the synopsis of what I would read if I was looking at the back of a VHS box of this movie?
Speaker 3:Town gets overtaken by crabs, which slowly mutate into monster crabs, and only one boy, who's paraplegic, is smart enough to save the town.
Speaker 1:This is literally the plot of crab people from South Park. So, when I say With Al Gore being the quadriplegic.
Speaker 3:When I say crabs, what comes to your guys's?
Speaker 4:mind, I'm just curious, I think of like the pirate crabs I want to say I want to say it's from like south of, like the pirate crabs. I want to say I want to say it's from like South park, like the animated pirate crabs Are you talking about the crab people that I just made a reference to?
Speaker 1:Yeah, Crab.
Speaker 4:Okay that, or just a Coco's puke is getting fucking ripped out of his body from a bad toilet seat incident oh you were driving around super horny and you stopped at a fucking flying J you told me about it.
Speaker 1:I would rather stick my ass out the window and shit fucking oil flicks oh my it's a fucking. That's a fucking mario kart power-up. I hit the question box.
Speaker 4:I had to throw it to get a new item shit off the car I shit I just shit my pants.
Speaker 3:So what I'm hearing is you guys do not envision this.
Speaker 1:I just sent into a group chat oh, dear lord, what I'm about to look at oh, where's? No, not immediately you mean a fucking. What is that? Is that a fucking? Do I not? Do I want to?
Speaker 4:say the name of it or no let's see if coco can guess.
Speaker 3:Isn't that a horseshoe crab? It is a horseshoe crab. These are the crabs of the movie crab. It's literally just like a fucked up stingray, so they a bunch of like an army of horseshoe crabs.
Speaker 4:I take it.
Speaker 3:Move into this town, okay city larger this the first thing that it shows is someplace. I believe they're supposed to be in japan or something. Of course it's japan and it shows a singular horseshoe crab and zip it along a beach. And then it shows what was definitely made in Adobe. These like PNG towers, like nuclear reactors collapsing and exploding and on the fence outside of it there's like no crab posters allowed and that explodes. And then it brings up the title card. Then it comes to a scene Wait, wait, wait, wait wait, wait.
Speaker 1:This is the start of the movie. Like we're, like we're like a minute in at this point. Second, we've already blown up a fucking nuclear power plant. I think berkey thought this was way sooner into the movie we haven't even hit the intro what do we?
Speaker 2:what do we come back?
Speaker 1:from what it's our the invasions already.
Speaker 3:This is like if you started sharknado with somebody jumping into a shark with a chainsaw so then it shows a different beach somewhere in america, yeah, and it just has these two people fucking on the beach.
Speaker 4:Are we like 30 seconds in now?
Speaker 3:Yeah we're like less than a minute still.
Speaker 1:So Japan has fallen and people are having sex still in America. Japan has fallen, okay, okay, people are still fucking. They don't even know that the crabs are coming Still fucking.
Speaker 3:They don't even know that the crabs are coming and they're doing Cowgirl on the beach, nice. So next thing you see is this little horseshoe crab again like zipping along the beach. You can tell that they have, like their prop department, made this like fake shell and they put on like an RC car and they're just zipping it along the beach and then it stops and it just watches them have sex and the girl like stops and she's staring at it how do you like me now, mr crabs?
Speaker 1:okay, so we're like a minute and 30 seconds into this movie.
Speaker 3:Okay, the guy turns and he's talking to this thing. He's like oh hey there, little buddy, you liking the show who had, if I saw, a crab watching? This is like one of two scenes that has nudity in it Watched Softcore Is that what you said?
Speaker 4:Like they almost showed boob.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like that is the intro, like they did show nips. I will say that much. They did show nips.
Speaker 1:That's not the thing you were caring about in this instance. No, because you just saw fucking Chernobyl happen in Japan from a horseshoe crab With PNGs, with PNGs, with PNGs, oh, with PNGs, okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like those nuclear reactors were PNGs.
Speaker 1:So wait, it was like a nuclear reactor PNG, and somebody just animated it to really slowly go off the screen. Yes man, how much money did this movie make and how do I get a job working for them?
Speaker 3:So the girl full on stops.
Speaker 3:She tomato rooted out by the crab. She puts her clothes back on uh, she didn't want to get grabbed and the guy puts his like shorts back on I don't think he ever puts back on a shirt, but that's not relevant anyway. So he then decides to get his camera out and he picks the horseshoe crab up by its tail, which never do you not pick a horseshoe crab up by its tail gives it to her. She's getting like freaked out because she thinks it's gross looking. What they don't notice is this mouth underneath the shell that's moving like and he's trying to take a picture and then suddenly like opens his mouth really large and does like a weird noise and he's like what? The? And it jumps and lunges at his face. He's falling over in blood, spraying everywhere around him. The girl's freaking out. She's like trying to hit the crab and everything. So she runs and eventually picks up. This rock goes over and what do you think happens?
Speaker 1:she tries to smash the crab, but she's crushing this dude skulling. There's no way that this shitty movie doesn't have the girl accidentally killing the guy that she was just having sex with. So what a way I get to tease it. What a way he she got his rocks off yes, crab jumps out of the way.
Speaker 3:Dude sees that split second of the rock coming down, smashes his face and she's like baby, are you okay?
Speaker 1:baby, are you okay while his? Eye, while his eyeballs are hanging by their tendons, fucking on the either side of the fucking rock. So he looks like a fucking derpy, fucking fish.
Speaker 3:So Then the crab attacks her and then it cuts away. Well, she's dead. Then we're introduced to our two main characters. I remember the boy's name is Phil and there's, like his best friend I forget what her name was maddie, that was it madeline, so they called her maddie.
Speaker 3:So it shows them walking through town trying to get to school and they cut off a well, I shouldn't even say they cut off, they're on the sidewalk. They're very plainly on the sidewalk trying to go around people. A priest steps out in front of them like there was enough room for this guy to stand off to the side. But no, he steps in front of them, waits for them to get close enough, starts like chewing these kids out, dropping a bunch of f-bombs, and then he flips them off and as they walk around him and they're like walking towards the camera, you can still see the priest in the background just going like this to them. I'm like, oh okay, bear in mind, the priest will only show up one more time in this fucking movie, so I don't know why they made him so prevalent there, grabs the finger so then so this is like a little bit.
Speaker 1:So this is like, uh, um, what? Like three, three and a half minutes into the movie. So you've watched japan fall. You watched some sex dude get his head bashed in, and then a lady got her face eaten by a crab. And then, out of nowhere, a priest shows up and it's like fuck you kids I'm guessing like alien style, the crabs are fucking face this fucking movie is more.
Speaker 2:That's, that's a good point, that's a good point, oh yeah, uh.
Speaker 3:They're in science class and they're supposed to be dissecting dead cats and the teacher's like pulling them out of like the burlap sack. You can tell that these dead cats were made by the prof's department.
Speaker 1:How much did you have to drink while you were drinking, while while you were watching this movie?
Speaker 2:I was sober. I feel like. I feel like I would have needed a drink before you watched it.
Speaker 4:Cause it'd be funny as fuck.
Speaker 3:I would have been so drunk I wish I was drunk or high Cause. That would have made this movie 10 times more.
Speaker 1:I'm not entirely sure you weren't drunk or high based on this description of a movie.
Speaker 3:You're in science class, they're pulling out the dead cats out of the bag. Maddie walks up, she uh, takes the dead cat from the teacher. Oh and, by the way, they tried to make this teacher look really sexy and they like zoomed in on her miniskirt but her like knee is out in a weird angle and all I could focus on was how fucked up her knee looked in this shot. It looked like a ps1 game kind of a knee. But oh, no, that's where we established that the teacher is maddie's mom and maddie's just like.
Speaker 3:I wish somebody would have told me that we were dissecting dead cats today, so I would have known not to wear my best shirt. And then she goes to sit down next to the main character, phil, and this is also where we get introduced to another side character. He's part of the main group, but he's definitely a side character and his name is radu. Okay, I at first thought that maybe this movie was a little outdated, because I thought that they were making fun of specific mental handicaps at first, because this dude sitting there, he looks at the dead cat that's in front of him, next to his lap partner, and he just vomits all over his table. Okay, and the way he starts talking, he talks basically in the third person. He's like oh, radu, so sorry, and I thought you know, with everything going on, they were just making fun of a handicap. I learned later that he was just a foreign exchange student. They just were really bad at showing that. Oh, and radu also wears like this uh, pink polo with a popped collar.
Speaker 4:Okay, and this movie from like 2002, I thought so what was the year.
Speaker 1:Is it like 2019?
Speaker 3:It's from two years ago. It's 2022.
Speaker 1:It's even worse.
Speaker 3:So let's blame the COVID Under 2001,. Guys Radu runs out of the classroom. And then it shows like his science partner, his lab partner cleaning up the table.
Speaker 1:Dude, this is somebody's fucking like final project for their film class and we're just fucking shitting on them. I don't even want to stop it with the jaeger bombs.
Speaker 3:I rolled for jaeger bomb one fucking dope during the con we we had to drink jaeger bombs because coco rolled a seven yeah, anyway, back to the adhd movie. So then, this is where we also establish that prom is coming up.
Speaker 1:So now we're throwing prom after all the other stuff and vomit Uh-huh. When does this movie take place?
Speaker 3:They never establish.
Speaker 1:Does it look like?
Speaker 3:the.
Speaker 4:Internet exists. Does it look like the internet exists, like modern day does?
Speaker 1:the in it does it look like the internet exists uh, if I remember, I don't think anybody.
Speaker 3:No, they do use the internet to search what a horseshoe crab is later in the movie okay.
Speaker 1:So one could surmise that by this point, four fucking minutes into the movie, they, they know that Japan has basically died.
Speaker 3:You would think our nuclear reactor went off over there.
Speaker 4:No, the horseshoe crabs got there so fast?
Speaker 1:nobody even they ate the internet.
Speaker 2:Nobody could they ate the feed so.
Speaker 4:Nobody could.
Speaker 3:Jesus fucking Christ. Radu tries to ask out Maddie to the dance. Maddie says no, she's already got a date. Uh, and phil the main character is like oh, who the heck you ass out. And she was like you, you fucking idiot. And he was like, oh god, okay, so jump, cut. A little bit later we learn that phil's that Phil's brother. His older brother is the deputy of the town and their dad is dead.
Speaker 3:So you know, phil's older brother is trying to take care of him trying to sell off their dad's stuff so that way they can try to live a little bit better, because they're both basically living in trailers, like two separate trailers. A little bit better because they're both basically living in trailers, like two separate trailers. And they go back to phil's place and phil gets mail and apparently we learned that phil had a bribe like two us custom agents to allow whatever this package is from korea to be there and it's like some battery, that's like on this whole nother level of energy, and when they mess with it it shoots out a laser and destroys, like the barn door that they're in. Oh that's. And that's where we also get to meet the sheriff who, by the way, the sheriff, produces the weed in this town and sells it what is this?
Speaker 1:but I've lost the plotline, because isn't this supposed to be horseshoe crabs taking over the world at this point?
Speaker 4:they're marching on the ocean floor. They're not going to get anywhere if this sheriff is passing out weed.
Speaker 1:They're not getting anywhere in this town.
Speaker 3:So that's where we also finally kind of get a little bit more introduced to the deputy, because he comes in there. We also learn you know, he's trying to be the dad figure because dad's not there anymore, maddie leaves, is not there anymore, maddie leaves, uh. And we learn also during all that that apparently phil is trying to make robotic legs for himself because you know, kind of like an exosuit thing for his legs so he can walk, because that's his big goal, he just wants to get out of the wheelchair. And the deputy and the sheriff go on a call because a dead whale apparently has uh been beached on their local beach and a lot of people are calling and complaining about it. But when they go to see the whale, which is a 3d model of a whale, I want you to know, is it does it look, does it look like the quality of the whale from uh.
Speaker 1:What's its name? From uh, kingdom hearts, the uh oh uh I can't think of the pinocchio pinocchio's will, but like the that model that when you come up and it eats you monstro, the model of monstro, when it comes up and eats you kind of look like that quality.
Speaker 2:They probably just ripped the asset from kingdom hearts of ps2, playstation 2.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I got three of them good, perfect.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they talk about how the whale has obviously been attacked by something like its stomach is torn open, and then they do a shot from inside the whale and you can tell the bones are just like these wooden pipes that they sanded and painted to look a little bit more like bones in the flesh, and everything is like these streamer ribbons that they got from Party City.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:I they're like absolute props to their props department. They did the best that they could with whatever their budget was, because they did a phenomenal job their budget was zero uh, then, then I forget. If it's just a little bit after that, I might be jumping around a little bit, but who fucking cares? But we yeah, let's.
Speaker 1:let's not worry too much about jumping around, because I've heard 70 fucking story plots on the first four minutes of this movie, so we're six minutes in now. Oh, we're six minutes. Sorry, I got, I got lost. No, I have no idea.
Speaker 4:So minutes in now. Oh, we're six minutes, sorry, I got, I got lost?
Speaker 3:no, I have no idea. So, uh, I love it. I have to watch this. I'm trying to remember because I might be flip-flopping a few things around here, but I think we basically go to the next day and, if I remember correctly, a bunch of nonsensical stuff kind of happens, and then we learn that the deputy used to be a student of maddie's mom and there is heavy sexual tension between them. These two want to why not maddie's?
Speaker 3:mom and the show maddie's mom okay, because apparently she started she wants to talk the drug dealing cop essentially yes, okay, I mean heck, she go like he invites her in because Bill and Maddie decide to go off on a walk and she chills with the deputy, learns that he has weed. So they just sit there smoking weed while looking at the yearbooks. And that's where he has like hearts drawn all over her and everything, like they're really trying to point out like these two want to bang. And, in case you didn't know, while all that's going on, we jump cut to radu, who's sitting with these two guys who which, by the way, maddie and phil look their age. They are absolutely teenagers. Radu looks like a 30 year old man who shaved his face and is trying to pretend to be a teenager, but they didn't have much going for them.
Speaker 1:So Radu is sitting on this couch with people who are supposed to be older than him and he's smoking weed with them he's just sitting there with like a short crop top and short shorts, because they tried to put him in children's clothes, so he looks like just a fucking super old weirdo next to two kids. You got to make it through this Murky.
Speaker 4:I love this show. We used to watch movies like this in college.
Speaker 3:Fucking couldn't tell you about any of them, but they were hilarious and a horseshoe crab sneaks in because they're all sitting in the garage for some reason. So the horseshoe crab sneaks under the garage door and one of the guys goes what the heck is that? And radu goes oh, I think it's badger radu. Radu, very good, and fight with badger, this dude, a fucking caveman. This horseshoe crab jumps on the face of one of the dudes, knocks him off the couch, blood's going everywhere. And then the swarm of horseshoe crabs come in. Radu fucking bails while this other guy gets his face torn off, and he's super fast.
Speaker 3:Rodney is running through town trying to get people's attention, but because he doesn't really know how to explain what's happening, everybody kind of pushes him away and tells him to get bent. So he runs into a bar just screaming that he needs help. But because nobody believes he's 21 years old, nobody wants to listen to him. They think he's a lunatic. So they like yell at him to get out and he's like fine, I hope these demons come and eat your faces. So he like leaves and that's where he runs into Phil and Maddie who were walking down like this alley, and that's uh, I think it was around this time that Phil just tried to make the legs work. But they broke and Maddie told him uh, you know all these encouraging words and finally, to cheer him up, she's like do you want to watch homeless people have sex on the beach?
Speaker 1:and he was like yeah, we made a jump and I'm very confused now so that was the reason why they went on a walk.
Speaker 3:The legs didn't. They'll need to cool down. So Roddy runs into them in the alleyway and one of the horseshoe crafts comes up and Maddie's like, oh, it's so cute, what is this? And Roddy's like, no, stay away, it's a demon. But Maddie goes up to this thing she's about to like touch it and it dies. To this thing, she's about to like touch it and it dies. So Maddie and Phil leave and Radu just starts shit talking, this dead horseshoe crab. He's like even Poseidon didn't want you, uh, and it's like. It's like it's like a minute long roast to a dead horseshoe crab. But then the shell pops up in this like glob comes out and then it like rises up and it starts looking down at Radu and Radu is like, oh fuck. Down at radu and radu's like, oh, fuck. And then it jump cuts to phil returning home and you know phil and his older brother, they go into their trailers, uh, you know they're going to bed for the night. But maddie decides to sneak her mom into the barn where they're like working on those uh, prosthetic robot exoskeleton legs for Phil and they decide to finish the project and make it functional. So that was like a little gift that was left behind.
Speaker 3:Now the next day the older brother gets a call. He goes to the beach. There's like this line of blood. He follows it and boom, he finds the girl with like her face torn off. They never explain what happens after that, they just kind of find that and all the like strewn apart body parts. Then, a little bit past that, he comes back. He picks up Phil. They learn Well, the deputy learned that they fixed the legs for phil, so he surprises phil with legs. They go to prom. Now at prom the deputy sees the teacher like yeah, prom's just not happening. Everybody's at prom, so what?
Speaker 1:are we 30 minutes in?
Speaker 3:uh, we're probably about 45 minutes in, because this movie's only like an hour and 20 minutes. So he sees the teacher give him a sexy little wink, walks away. So he's kind of like oh yeah, okay. So he follows her, uh, and then he sees a horseshoe crab in the school hallway. So originally he's like what the heck are you, little guy? And he gets chased by it, which I'm sorry. If I get chased by a horseshoe crab, if it's running at me, I'm not going to be scared. I know they have nothing, but apparently nobody in this universe knows what a horseshoe crab is. So he gets chased by this horseshoe crab. He eventually loses it and he runs into the sexy teacher who apparently went to the bathroom and you know he's trying to explain himself. And he's trying to explain like oh no, I wasn't trying to follow you to the bathroom, I was getting chased by a badger or something. I don't know why everybody thinks horseshoe crabs in this universe are badgers, but they go back to the dance when?
Speaker 1:where are we at? Where are these people? Where is this town at?
Speaker 3:I don't know. Oh, you know, is it? Is it somewhere where a horseshoe?
Speaker 1:crab could be. Because, if we're talking about, like this is in the middle of fucking Kansas. I can understand why people are calling this horseshoe crab a fucking badger, because why the fuck would there be a crab in Kansas?
Speaker 4:It takes place in Wisconsin.
Speaker 1:It takes place in fucking Wisconsin I'm being chased by a wheel of cheese.
Speaker 3:I mean they had a whale wash up on the beach.
Speaker 1:They're definitely near the ocean you're right there, murky the wheel of cheese joke gets you yeah so everybody's dancing, phil's dancing with maddie.
Speaker 3:You can definitely feel like, oh, young loves, kind of blossoming here. Then a horseshoe crab that was in the hallway sneaks into the gymnasium where they're holding prom and he goes up to the dj and he's like looking at the dj, he's kind of bopping along with the music a little bit.
Speaker 3:Dj sees this, he leans down to and he's popping along with the horseshoe crab, and then he fucking eats him well, dj gets up, changes the music and then the horseshoe crab attacks him and it takes like people like 30 full seconds to realize the music has stopped let's be real here.
Speaker 1:Japan nuked itself fucking 40 minutes ago. People still haven't figured that one out yet. Pretty sure you can see the radiation cloud coming at you and fucking wherever this is in California at this point.
Speaker 4:The DJ changed the song. He changed it to Sandstorm.
Speaker 3:So then the horseshoe crab is wearing the beanie of the DJ?
Speaker 1:Please tell me he played the fucking crab rave song Please tell me. Man, this movie was made in 2022, and they missed the opportunity to have the crab be a goddamn DJ. It was so obvious. Like fuck you. They probably couldn't get the rights.
Speaker 3:Let's be real, they obviously couldn't gets up, changes the song and then it's like other horseshoe crabs are in the room and they start like trying to attack people and the deputy's like everybody out, everybody out. So they try running to the doors. Then this flood of horseshoe crabs comes in. He's like nope this sounds.
Speaker 1:This sounds like they pulled the plot of when Spongebob had a fucking rave with the jellyfish and then changed the song on them and they all got pissed off that and the one where all the sargines show up in the buses.
Speaker 3:I think that was a very good episode, so then they're all fighting these horseshoe crabs they're in the gymnasium which apparently are very easy to kill because they step on these things and they die. And, fun fact, horseshoe crabs have blue blood. They kept that in the movie, so that was a neat little thing that they did.
Speaker 1:The one thing they got right crabs have blue blood cool so, uh, the crabs are there.
Speaker 3:Everybody's fighting back. They're trying to run out of the school at this point and that's also when they learn about these big, gigantic mutant crabs that are walking around and attacking people. So they get chased by this one. Phil's legs stop working, so his like brothers carrying him around.
Speaker 1:I keep forgetting that this guy's like quadriplegic so we just keep talking about it. I mean, I think at this point it doesn't really matter. What's that gonna do?
Speaker 3:so, uh, his brother has to carry him because the legs aren't working anymore. And that's when everybody's like what the heck are these? And the science teacher like has to show everybody that they're horseshoe crabs. She's like I think they're and she says, like the latin of them. And then she like shows them a picture from an encyclopedia that it's a horseshoe crab. And then that's when the brother drops that he saw a whale that had something attack it. So he gets one of those really old rolly things where it was like the light projected on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the project, and then you would write on it and overhead project.
Speaker 3:Yeah, overhead, and he's like drawing like this little horseshoe crab. Then he drew like the thing that chased him out there and then he's like drawing what he thinks a big one looks like that attacked the whale. So they know there's like a huge one out there somewhere.
Speaker 1:So he just got a piece of graph paper and went this is what we're dealing with. And then drew a bigger circle and said this is what they are.
Speaker 3:Oh, he actually like tried drawing them, alright, okay, uh, and they also get saved by Radu. Radu shows up because the crab tries chasing them again and he jumps out of a trash can with a katana. He's shirtless, has a dead horseshoe crab on his chest and he sees this fucking satan.
Speaker 1:Where did he get this katana? I have so many questions. What ethnicity was this guy? He's white, I can tell you that much no, he's a foreign exchange student and you very well have told me that he is from some other country.
Speaker 3:Yes, so they also learn that these crabs are radioactive. So of course you know he gets the they blew up Japan. Well, the characters don't know that. Oh, and also Raidu like has blue blood all over his face as war paint that he put there fucking looks like Avatar without the blue skin uh, it looks more like Rambo when he's in the forest ready to kill those guys I think he just drew a bunch of stars like all over his face.
Speaker 3:It's all lines really. So they decide to go back to phil's farm to try to create something that can combat the big, gigantic crab for whenever it shows up. So they're driving through town and that's when they see like the crabs have completely taken over, because apparently these crabs can turn you into like parasite zombies because they get on your back and they like oh so now we're, now we're into a zombie movie.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, yeah, okay. And this is the 57 millionth plot line it's alien, but they get it doggy style.
Speaker 4:What the?
Speaker 3:essentially, and as they're driving through town and they're just watching people get murdered by these things, like even the tiny ones which we've established are very easy to kill, you can step on them and they die. And the priest jumps on the front of the car and he starts like oh, he's back.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, he's back. Please tell me he jumps in the car like this.
Speaker 3:No, he jumps on there and he starts like praising them for like showing up Think of that like God sent them. And then, like you see, out of the corner of the frame of big crabs coming up like trying to warn him, like hey, big crap, big crap.
Speaker 1:and then he gets like torn off of the car and you just see these big crabs very shitty costumes, that people are just walking around and like that one movie you said, like the fucking shark movie, where it was just like these fucking dudes and like weird fucking side of the moon.
Speaker 3:Yeah, shark side of the moon.
Speaker 1:That was all CG costumes. Oh, that was CG, okay.
Speaker 3:That was all CG, but these costumes were probably the best that was in the movie. I will say that much. They were like the best prop. They were like the best prop. So they eventually get back to the barn and the deputy is going to go try to look for the sheriff, while the rest of them try to come up with a plan and get like bunker down in that barn and that's where they basically decide to make a gigantic mech out of all the shit that they have there in the barn All right, so we're going like either Iron man or Gundam.
Speaker 1:Got it? This checks out.
Speaker 3:However, it randomly turns into a Disney Channel movie here. What Think? Like early 2000s, when they were doing like a montage of things and they were like zooming on the character?
Speaker 1:I have ADHD. We're already working well outside of my working memory.
Speaker 3:I'm aware there's way too much happening right now, so it randomly becomes a disney channel because they're just randomly doing shit and then they're holding something, they're talking to the camera and they're like wrench wires, plank of wood, like it's just weird and they ran out of fucking content.
Speaker 1:They fucking ran out of storylines, dude, I think they needed to fill out that you know movie theater runtime bro I feel like, I feel like if we try to make nipple as cage, it's gonna have a way better shot than this fucking shithole.
Speaker 3:So I just remember, during that whole thing, radu tries to go up to Maddie's mom and trades her like something that was in his pocket for her daughter's hand in marriage and she accepts it without realizing what it was an offer for. And then he's like okay, I accept your daughter's hand in marriage. And she's like, no, no, uh. But while that's going on, it jumps back to the deputy. The deputy goes to the sheriff's house. It's full of fucking weed plants, like head to toe. This bitch is covered. This is also where we learn that the sheriff is now being taken over by one of the horseshoe crabs. And when the deputy like walks into there before he knows that the sheriff has been taken over, a horseshoe crab is just watching porn and he shows these women just rubbing their breasts against each other, he walks up and he stomps on he's washing the sex from the beginning of the movie.
Speaker 3:Yes, pool full of chocolate pudding. And then he has to fight the sheriff and sadly, he has to kill the sheriff and the horseshoe crab that's on him and sadly. Well, the sheriff was actually a really good dude. He was one of the only like decent characters in the entire movie yeah, the only problem is he's in the movie so uh, god, you're telling this story.
Speaker 1:I feel like I need a goddamn drink just to understand this.
Speaker 3:The crabs try to break into the barn. Radu is able to get one of them distracted and runs into a trailer and is able to again just slice it with his katana because he just has a katana, okay, and the other one gets taken out by Maddie's mom because she gets like a wrench or something do we not know what Maddie's mom's name is? I don't remember her name.
Speaker 3:I truly do not remember her name or the deputy's name. So, uh, eventually they're able to protect the barn. They finish the thing and they decide to finally launch it. And, by the way, this thing is controlling the mech buttons. We're launching the mech and this mech is controlled with a gigantic like wheel for a ship, like a pirate ship wheel. Wait, but are you in the mech? And this mech is controlled with a gigantic like wheel for a ship, like a pirate ship wheel wait, but are you in the mech?
Speaker 3:he phil is in the mech phil's the one controlling this I was.
Speaker 1:I was almost expecting to say you control it like a fighting game. You have like a stick and a bunch of buttons, because that's all they had in the budget.
Speaker 3:So the mech. It's a gigantic shark mech that's standing on like two legs and has two hands, and they walk it to the beach, which, coincidentally, is right when the gigantic one is coming out of the water. So phil is fighting this gigantic crab, like there's like a 5-10 minute action scene of him just fighting this crab. However, the crab is kicking his ass the entire fucking time. No matter what he does, it is just beating the shit out of him. And then, out of nowhere, his brother shows up in his car and he's like, hold on, I'm coming. And then he jumps out of nowhere. His brother shows up in his car and he's like, hold on, I'm coming. And then he jumps out of his car and his car like somehow is able to keep going forward, launches off of a clip, hits the back of this crab, which like fully distracts it.
Speaker 3:So Phil, while he's on his back and his back is like almost torn into pieces, like it's missing an arm because the crab tore that bitch off he grabs it with his other arm, opens its mouth and inside the mech he decides to take the battery that was in his you know, exo legs that he was using to now power this mech he was using to now power this mech. He shoots it as a laser at the glass visor that's at the front and it builds up on the glass and eventually just shoots out like I'm firing my laser on this motherfucker, and just toasts him and then everybody's standing there like cheering and then eventually, where the ball sack is on this mech because it kind of looks like it has balls it even shows it is on this mech because it kind of looks like it has balls, it even shows it.
Speaker 3:It opens up out like crawls out phil, and he falls like oh, he just wanted to re-experience being birthed and you know everybody's hooting and hollering and I'm like they, they didn't do it, they just killed the big crab, but they didn't save the town or anything. And then it kind of like face to black. You think the credits are gonna roll. And then it like comes back and it's on phil's face and he's being woken up by maddie and she was like hey, it's showtime. And then he like wheels himself up to the control panel of his mech, he turns over him and maddie finally have like a kiss.
Speaker 3:And then they're in fucking japan and there's three gigantic crab monsters destroying tokyo and he like pulls out his like sore, that's the tail of the shark. And he says like a one-liner and he swings at the camera and boom end of movie. Now the credits are rolling. However, it shows the gymnasium where the prom was happening and a janitor's coming out and he's like trying to clean all of it up and the end credit song is just Radu basically singing about how he doesn't like crabs. So like electronic music.
Speaker 2:And that's it. That's the movie of crabs.
Speaker 1:Electric boogaloo. All right, that's ADHD. After dark, I don't know how to respond to any of that last sequence.
Speaker 3:So if you're the director of crabs and you hear this, please let me be in the sequel. Please. I will do it for free.
Speaker 1:You just get me on that set. Let us record the podcast in the sequel.
Speaker 4:You can be the electric and the boogaloo, guaranteed dude, that's a thing absolutely a. Thing my brain hurts.
Speaker 1:I was following that movie for the first four minutes and then I got lost. And then you asked me to think about what a Disney movie was. I couldn't. My brain hurt.
Speaker 3:It's all over the place. It is kind of a messy movie, I will say. However, it was enjoyable.
Speaker 1:I was able to sit there but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Does that mean that, like everything that happened in the movie was a dream? But they're still in a giant mech fighting crabs?
Speaker 3:I don't think it was a dream, I just I don't know.
Speaker 1:Japan was already destroyed at the beginning of the movie.
Speaker 3:But I mean just one of the islands.
Speaker 1:Probably that's the whole of Japan, japan's several islands If you blow up a nuclear reactor, Japan's dead. More or less. Just look at the Fukushima disaster.
Speaker 2:That was all of Japan.
Speaker 3:All I gotta say is I will work for free.
Speaker 1:I think all of ADHD After Dark would be in that movie for free we'll even record our podcast live during that movie filming, because I don't think you care about leaks. We'll publish the episode while we're being eaten by fucking horses.
Speaker 3:Any kind of press for that is good press and you know what, if you mail us the crab puppets, we will do that entire rest of the podcast us the crab puppets. We will do that entire rest of the podcast with the crab puppets.
Speaker 2:Easy.
Speaker 4:Did I tell you guys how I thought I was going to get arrested? And then I watched somebody else and their friend get arrested?
Speaker 1:What a weird fucking segue.
Speaker 2:Was this recent?
Speaker 4:Yes, this was Saturday.
Speaker 1:I still need to like let me unwind my brain from horseshoe crab. You can use the restroom. My brain needs a little bit of a break between that story. I mean, that's a lot.
Speaker 4:I won't make it super long, but this did happen.
Speaker 1:I mean you can make it. Take the last 10 minutes of the podcast.
Speaker 4:I'd rather be lucky than good any day.
Speaker 3:Oh, Any bets on what he almost got arrested for Smoking weeds, my guess I mean if he was in the current state in which he is living, in which it is legal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but we know that he can travel to another state where it's not.
Speaker 3:It was either probably for weed drinking or how he was driving.
Speaker 1:Driving down the road with a bunch of shit on the side of his car because he had to poop. He was like, oh shit, I gotta go poop. Pulled off to the side so he just leans out.
Speaker 3:officer called him for littering, laughing oh well, I actually have a very similar story to murky's about almost getting arrested yeah well, almost getting pulled over by police for doing something. So, uh, my car was getting repaired down south carolina, so I was driving my ex-wife's car and she had this little tiny copper oranges. I'm trying to remember what kind of car was it was basically like is it a ford? It wasn't a ford. I want to say it was a chevy was it like one of those weird hashbacks?
Speaker 1:it's like got the fucking orange color no, it was a muscle car.
Speaker 3:She like bottom car okay, and I had to drive in. This bitch was low. I was not paying attention to the speed that I was going until it registered in my brain I had just passed a police officer. I was on a highway which was supposed to be like around 60, 65, and I'm pulling like 80, 85. And I just was able to sneak my way into traffic, slow myself down. Just a little bit ahead of me was a very, very similar looking car, just a lot newer. Police officer was able to zoom up, seize that car and, from what I'm assuming, thought that was me, has lights going, pulls up behind it and waits until they're out into the shoulder. And I'm like that car looks a lot like this one. I think you thought that was me.
Speaker 1:You got somebody a ticket. Yep, I hope they. I hope they weren't speeding and they fought that in court and they were like oh yeah, that's not you uh, you know what?
Speaker 3:I hope they were able to get off from that. I'm really hoping that I was not the cause for the reason why they got a ticket.
Speaker 1:But uh, there are some days where that still haunts me in my dreams nice now, when now you got the horseshoe crabs to haunt you in your dreams. It's gonna eat your face I'm surprised you're not scared of horseshoe crabs because they look a lot like stingrays no, I'm perfectly fine with them, it's just stingrays. Alright, marky, how'd you almost fuck up.
Speaker 4:Okay, I'm going to need a drink for this one. It's Saturday at roughly 11 o'clock. Oh my God, I was talking. I just poured and poured. We got the kayaks in the water and we started to kayak across the lake, myself and three others. Okay, go across the lake and we get into the creek. You're familiar with said creek? Yeah, and we're floating.
Speaker 4:Originally we were going to get off at the first stop, which is like three, three and a half hours, roughly, of floating, but the current was pretty quick because the water was high and we're drinking along the way. Get to the first stop and some friends get off. Well, there's no trash cans at the first stop. So I tell them to give me their empties and we stuff them in the front of my kayak because there's like a bungee net up there. So I kind of stretch it out and it'll hold everything. Okay. The second par is another three hours. Okay, we have plenty of snacks and food. We're eating this whole time, drinking water too, but also, again, we're drinking. This is a seven-hour trip altogether, so there's a lot of empties in my kayak.
Speaker 4:We get to the end. The way you come in at the end is you come up into like a dirt embankment and then you have to go up a hill. You have to drag your kayak up a hill to get up to a parking lot where my dad was meeting us, because, again, we've been drinking all day. So my dad was meeting us with the truck to put the kayaks in the back of the truck. Um, one of my, one of my friends who got there just before myself and Dusty did. At this point there's three of us. He goes up the hill. He gets to the top of the hill. He looks at me and goes hey, the department of natural resources is up here. And I go shit, so the DNR? Hey, the Department of Natural Resources is up here and I go shit.
Speaker 4:So the DNR. I open the cooler because I have a big red cooler in the back of my kayak that had a bunch of sandwiches. Take the 12-pack Hawaiian rolls. If you guys want a good snack idea, 12-pack Hawaiian rolls, cut it in half. Ham, cheese, any condiments you want, slam the half back on it. Put it right back in the package. It's perfect for a cooler, great snacks. Okay, I'm throwing empties at these sandwiches and I close the cooler and there's still a bunch of empties in the front of my car. I'm like fuck.
Speaker 4:So then I help Dusty up the hill. We get up the top of the hill and the officer asks us okay, do you guys have life jackets on your vessel today? I was like no officer, I apologize, we don't Just being honest with you. I did 100%. I do not. He goes. Hey, man, it's cool. Appreciate being awesome. We're just out here educating people today and if we can just get a name and phone number from you, we're just going to give you a warning no tickets, anything. We just want you to be safe next time. I was like awesome. Hey, I really appreciate that man, thank you, he goes. Yeah, once you get your last kayak up here, just come over to the truck Again, I'll get your name and phone number and everything Awesome.
Speaker 4:I go down to get my kayak. The other officer comes down with me to help me with my kayak and he's waiting for me to either start slurring. My words, one, two fall on my face going up this hill, being too fucked up. I grabbed this kayak and you would have thought like I was back fresh in college wrestling, because I just grabbed the front of this thing with the cooler strapped in the back and like everything. And just right up the hill he touched the back a little bit and he got to the top and he looked at all the empties. He looked at me for a second and they looked at the empties. He goes.
Speaker 4:So, man, you seem like you're okay, he goes, but that's a lot. It looks like you drank a lot. Like are you okay? And I'm like. Well, we had about six or seven friends with us this morning. We started roughly 11 at the lake and I got all their empties, because there's no trash cans at the first drop off and that's why those are all here. And also, and at that exact point, my dad is pulling into the parking lot. I'm like, and at that exact point my dad is pulling into the parking lot and I'm like, and also my dad's actually here to pick us up and get the kayaks and the truck and stuff, so he goes, you know what. Thank you so much, man, thanks for being prepared Like, thanks for having a plan, and I was like, of course, officer.
Speaker 3:Yes, sir.
Speaker 4:Of course, officer. Yes, sir, of course officer. You know we appreciate you being out here doing your job and making sure everybody's being safe out here and, you know, keeping it safe for everybody else. So then you know, all the kayaks are up, we get all the trash out, put them in the trash for recycling. They have recycling bins up there, they have trash, they have everything. So we get everything cleaned up and we're loading the kayaks.
Speaker 4:Well then there's two guys that come in behind us, the DNR, the natural resource officers, meet them down at the water. I think they had just gotten there and they weren't coming down yet. We were the first people. They checked is what I'm guessing, because there were people ahead of us that were.
Speaker 4:There's no way they were dragging a kayak up a hill by themselves, coherently kind of thing, which is dangerous. Don't do that, folks. And they meet him down at the water. They're down there talking to him, we're loading stuff up, and then the DNR officers are helping them with their kayaks up. And they take their kayaks and they put them in the back of a single DNR vehicle. They strap them down, they pat down both the gentlemen, they put them in the back of the truck and then both trucks drive away. So either one they had drugs, that's my guess, or two it was a public intoxication thing and they were trying to gather kayaks and just stumbling, bumbling and rumbling uh, their way right to the local county sheriff's department ah, so the drinking was allowed, but not like yeah, you could.
Speaker 4:I mean you could go out there and drink. They have everything put away so you can recycle, but you have to be responsible. Well, yeah, you can't go out there.
Speaker 1:And just the dude looked at your kayak and he was like huh, you're either a raging alcoholic or something else. Is happening here both of which are true.
Speaker 4:I grabbed the front of my kayak and again there's like a 40 pound cooler just in the back of the kayak murky was like I can't fuck up here, I have to yeah, dude, I just I was in flip-flops you have to lock it in lock it in fucking lock it in lock it in, I'm gonna
Speaker 4:need you to lock it in right man literally and just, dude, stomped my way up this hill so fast and, yeah, he looked at all the empties and he's like there's no way this guy's not fucked up. He looked at me and he's like, well, if he was fucked up you would just fell on his face. He's carried like he had just dragged a hundred and some odd pounds up this fucking steep ass hill.
Speaker 1:I almost fell and I'm not carrying anything, and uh, yeah, didn't go to jail. Good, someone else did, someone else did.
Speaker 4:Well, they, shouldn't have been super drunk. We had a plan in place. They did not. Yeah, they either had a pi or they had possession of something that they shouldn't have had. You gotta be smart in that, folks. You gotta be smarter than that, folks, you gotta be smarter than that. Yeah, it was scary. I was scared for a second.
Speaker 4:I was like we're going to jail dude, they're going to see this and they're not going to ask any questions. I'm going to need you to put your hands behind your back. Breathe into this for me, sir. I'm not driving. I don't give a shit, get bent. Look man, I don't give a fuck what you're saying. I'll breathe into this for me.
Speaker 1:Oh, you have a ride. Yeah, you had a ride.
Speaker 4:Now you have a different ride.
Speaker 2:I'm your taxi now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, unpaid for by your local taxes.
Speaker 4:Pined up my asshole.
Speaker 1:I can imagine oh boy, we talked about that movie for fucking one hour that movie is fire dude.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna have to watch it it's on Tubi.
Speaker 1:Jesus Christ.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna fucking. Next time I go to any aquarium where you can like touch the you're gonna fucking kill the horses crabs.
Speaker 1:Be careful, it's gonna dodge out of the way and you're gonna fucking break somebody's face open.
Speaker 3:It's gonna doggy style, fuck my brain yeah, and you're gonna become one of those shambling little zombies oh no all right.
Speaker 1:Well, that was a podcast, that was a podcast we knew, we knew, we knew. All right, well, that was a podcast. That was a podcast. We know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know, we know. Catch us next week with your wiener in our ears.
